My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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