Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have feelings that need drinking.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
