i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
