Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
