I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
