there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
