Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
