my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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