I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
