Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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