You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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