The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
