i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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