Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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