ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
