I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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