Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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