Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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