you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
