How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
