Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This house was built for laser tag.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
