He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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