I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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