i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
