Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
