I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
