Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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