shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
