If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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