Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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