Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
