4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
