I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
