she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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