God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
