my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
