last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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