So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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