This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
