ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
