The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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