Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
