there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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