You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize