I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
