He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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