I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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