there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
