I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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