Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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