Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
