Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
