There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize