the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
