Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
