you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
