Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
