The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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