woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think i have two assholes
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
