Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
